The Bonus Mom Effect

I laugh as I think about whether I would ever recommend getting yourself involved with somebody who has kids. No. Absolutely not. Although I wouldn’t trade it for the world and am in the most gratitutde as we sit here on a Friday night, together but seperate as I finally write down the reflections I have been having lately about this part of my life. I would absoloutley not recommend it, unless you know that what you have with this partner is going to be worth it.

It has been hard as fuck, and full of tumultuous downs as we were dragged through the mud and tested in all the ways.

Including the time where she took off with his kids.

Things that should have broken us, but somehow … what we have and are building overpowers it all.

As I mentioned, I’ve been reflecting on this time recently, moving through grief that has been coming up… thoughts about how different my transition into motherhood would have been different had they come out of me.

My perception, I would have had more support and more involvement in my kids lives if they were biologically mine. The lack is very real amongst some of my circle and I grieve that because they are the most affectionate, funny, and beautiful boys - these people are truly missing out.

I’ve been grieving our lack of involvement in school; where I was at one point, the one doing all of the education pieces, we ended up choosing to back away because it wasn’t worth the fights that were unavoidable. I trusted that we were teaching them good lessons here in our home but there is still a piece that has me wondering whether we made the right choice.

Although I know that you can’t fight with a woman like that.

&we have just never had the means to be able to go back to court. Not to mention the real fear that comes with that - she took off once with them.

The grief of being a mom but not being called mom. I could never ask them to call me this and I know that this does not depict who I am to these little men, I know that they love me with their whole hearts - actions will always speak louder than words. But of course, in ways that we can get into our own head, I often wonder what this would be like.

Hearing that I am “missing out” or not receiving the true experience, which of course, it is a very different experience but none the less, can be difficult because I do all the things (most) that a biological mom would do … even more in our case.

The most thankful for the few people in my life who witnessed these boys as a part of me and called me momma for the first time or wished me a happy mothers day - you will never understand how much this means.

The fear of what their mental health will become as they get older - I know they are here for their own experiences, but I deeply worry how here actions do and will continue to affect them.

Knowing that all we can do is be there and remind them to always speak from their heart, opposed to what others (mom, society) try to have them believe.

The grief of not really having a say in anything.

The grief of knowing things and tools that can support them through all things but a bio mom who fights you on literally everything.

We’ve come a far way in these almost six years of doing life together. I was once very reactive to her (as was he), but I slowly learned that you cannot fight with a woman like here and life has truly become less chaotic since then. Not that she doesn’t still try to ruffle feathers (lots of deep breaths), but she can’t fight with someone who won’t fight back and that has been the power.

We’re lucky in the sense of their custody agreement and what most dads receive, but we deserve more because what she was granted was based on lies and us not knowing how to stick up for ourselves yet. She wants money, we want time - that should speak volumes in and of itself.

So while I wouldn’t recommend this life to anybody, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Who knows what waves we will have to face in this situation in the future, but I trust we have the skills and confidence now that won’t allow a bully like her to take charge in the way that she thinks she can.

Regardless of all of the grief that has come along with this journey, it has also brought me the love of two boys that are not mine. Two boys who both drive me to my witts end and inspire me on the daily.

♥️