Hyper-Independence
Heart racing if we need to ask for help, never wanting to be an inconvenience. We should be able to do this on our own. and the spirals that can follow when we cant.
deep. deep. shame.
Hyper-Independance, a cultural value that teaches us to rely on nobody but ourselves. &of course there is a balance and layers of relying on self vs. others, but im talking the deep beliefs that we are better off alone.
Caused by the many layers of maybe no emotional connection, where the ones raising you too grew up in a world that teaches you to stuff it all down and not make a big deal; or losing trust in others somewhere along the way; or some abandonment or betrayal wounds that lie within; I also believe the feminist movement played a role here … while of course this movement plays a role in all that we have gained back as women so far, it also did a lot of harm and made us want things based on cultural standards that our beings, as women, are not designed for.
Leading us into deeper independance; holding a place but not the place.
Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.
-Helen Keller
I can remember being younger and my dad telling me to call my friend to ask if I could go hang out with her, and while that sounded fun and probably something I would have enjoyed- every being in my body wouldn’t go. What if she was busy? What if she didn’t want me to come over? She didn’t invite me, i’ll just be an inconvenience.
oof if that is many layers right in there … the inconvenience that many of us can feel at one time or another.
The inability to be vulnerable with others, either because of a lack of connection to yourself and your emotions (which is way to often in my opinion) or because you get that heart racing again when it comes to talking about yourself. The inconvenience. Leading to somebody, who instead tells people what she thinks that they want to hear (heyooo people pleasers).
A lack of trust. Within self, leading to not trusting others. Not believing that others have the capacity to meet our needs, likely caused by others not meeting your needs as a child.
The overworking. The masculine energy of go go go, in a society of pure survival. Needing to keep up and meet all of the demands to prove ourselves worthy.
Of what? What society says we need to be?
An interesting share or quote from looking into some articles on this topic talks about history and the realities of a woman, some deep rooted causes of us being some generations of going at things alone;
“Hysteria embodied the feminine ideals to such a degree that, in the literature of the time, the word feminine was almost interchangeable with hysterical.
The hysteric was the unsoothable, disenfranchised, repressed woman; she literally and metaphorically lost her voice, her ability to leave home, her sense of her own desires, and even her own mind. Instead of recognizing the unsoothability of Victorian misogyny, only a “crazy” woman could be seen. (Isaacson, 2020).
An awareness that only relying on yourself is engrained, not anything you or even those before you are doing wrong. Rather, appreciation for what we have been through as a feminine energy and choosing to no longer allow those narrative to suppress who you are meant to be.
Prior to this girl right here recognizing the power of community, I was hyper-independant to my core. I’ve shared some throughout, but essentially I only relied on myself; my friends never knew I was hurting (I dont even know that I did) and I mostly just went along to have a good time.
The disconnection was real. From myself and from others, my memories few and far between - once something that I thought was funny and just part of all the nights out we used to have.
I had zero dreams of a relationship or a partner to do life with. Deep roots of not being enough, but also not being shown any type of relationship growing up that made me want something like that (a story for another day). I was content being the old woman at the end of the bar in her pearls, never really any dreams because I definitely didn’t want what those in my family had and didn’t know that their could be any different.
Thankful I was able to reroute that path.
Into dreams I once never knew were possible for me.
Now that we have an awareness, of places that our deeeeeeep independance may stem from, why does it even matter?
Connection as human beings is one of our core needs.
You can say you love being alone (and of course there is a layer of this), but you are dishonouring yourself by not allowing the opportunity for community (in whichever manner this looks like).
When there is limited to no connection, we are deeply, at our core… alone.
Alone not lonely. Maybe focusing on others problems or lives or outside sources as opposed to your own, continuing you on a path of maybe being the lonely old woman at the end of the bar that I once envisioned myself as.
We burnout from doing it all on our own, are exhausted and find it difficult to do anything outside of your bed when you are not working (I was here).
Disconnection. From self and others (yep, me too).
Not even fully understanding what this means maybe (I know I once didn’t).
Not having a true connection to yourself, how you really feel (outside of the core sad, mad, happy, anxious); being in your emotions (victim) opposed to with them (awareness) so you can process and move through them controlling your life.
Because they do.
Emotional Isolation, same but different - being in the emotions but not sharing or allowing yourself to be heard amongst others. Not believing in yourself (a worth wound we allll carry) enough to share when it hurts.
Which is the most powerful, because when we are heard, we begin to recognize that we are not actually all alone in this big scary world.
Hyper-Independence. Stemming, on another level in my opinion from a deep wound of the fear of being seen - our mistrust in self.
So now that we’ve got all that, what the heck do we do about it!?
Awareness is number one, and i’d say you’re doing a pretty grand job and on the right track by making your way all the way to the bottom here.
When we are aware, we can begin making the conscious choice to do different opposed to how our subconscious has been leading the way prior.
The rest, please take in no particular order:
2. [As a somatic practitioner, I of course believe in doing the energy and nervous system work. Flow Breathwork is my go to…
If somatic practices are new to you, I highly recommend doing some root work; you need to feel safe in your body (in yourself) to begin leaning into trust and opening yourself up to you.
If you’re seasoned, I’d go straight into heart work. Playing with trust and what it means to you … opening up space to trust yourself and others. ]
3. [Maybe take a peak into your sister wounds (deep seated rivalry, distrust, or disconnection that can exist between women due to societal conditioning, past betrayals or internalized competition). Guess what!? Most of its internalized and "that best friend that wronged you, “it wasnt personal… those are her wounds that she enacted back then”].
4. [Connect to your own emotions so you can connect deeper to yourself; pure essential oils helped me here. It’s where I began to recognize and label what was happening inside of me, in addition to gaining a deeper understanding for how I had been feeling. The connection that plants have to our emotions is WILD!!]
5. [&LAST, but certainly not least and my biggest catapult into no longer being so independent is finding community.
Community that is focused on growth.
Community that doesn’t stay in the victim mode and takes full accountability for themselves.
Community that allows you to be.
That welcomes you, as you are.
Community that gives space for your voice, opinions and all of the in-betweens.]
If you happen to be from around me, I highly recommend (@witchyways2flow on instagram). I started attending her moon circles several years ago at this point … on a whim and a random invite… turning into always wanting to go back because I was witnessing and feeling the most immense power of women coming together to simply be in our power. I started in my hyper-independent ways and have transformed into somebody who now gets to share space in these circles with my gifts.
&I wouldn’t want it any other way ✌🏻
As an added note and opinion that I couldn’t fit within the rest of this share, but important none the less and coming from a place of where I was absoloutely headed and with the utmost compassion for self.
On an emotional level, when we falter and stray away from the many layers of our human needs, we may start to experience emotions and all of the other things labelled as mental health.
With our unprocessed emotions (see Breathwork 101) being stored within our bodies, because we have spent all of these years either not realizing that they were there (its me, hi) or consciously choosing to stuff it down because of other societal narratives.
Resulting in pain.
Within our bodies.
Within our souls.
Hearing me out with it being a whooooole nervous system thing which is a share that we will get to in due time.
