From Force into Flow
Please note that this one can be a hard one to read with some real experiences from my years in the frontlines.
The systems lead from a dominant wounded, masculine energy. The need to control ; the regulations; the lack of support. The frontlines are no place for the weak, and I say that with all of the love:
The heartache and grief and frustrations that come along peeling a youth off of a frozen sidewalk in the dead of winter, of unwrapping a cord from a child who is blue in the face, a child who doesn’t even fully understand the extent of their actions and did not want to die (I think about them all the time and wonder how they are doing), of having to hold onto them so they wouldn’t hurt themselves while the knife was in the other hand, the ones who were just gone one day, moved to somewhere else because the turn around (staffing) was wild and the ability to be a calm in the storm came few and far between. The grief over the ones who didn’t make it and the others that cross your mind from time to time.
Taught to stuff it down. Forget about it, its a part of the job.
Sure, yah. Part of the job.
The wounded masculine of being provided no space to truly feel.
No deep safety within to process; to be in the realities of the field while still having to move onto the next; the narrative of not only the system I was in, but the entire system.
Stuff it down; Forget about it; It’s not that big of a deal compared to the dumpster fire they currently have you focused on.
Messages and social media posts that keep a division of some sort, alive and well, people claiming to be leaders in wellness, wounding with their words of discourse over somebody’s (mine) experiences because it didn’t fit with the common narrative and how dare we speak of the past when the future is on fire!?
Even still, having an inkling of compassion, because I understand that history being erased, stories and experiences being skewed, people being placed in boxes based on what the main stream media says is all led by a wounded, masculine energy of control.
I led from here for a long time. Not in a harmful way by any means (except for towards myself) like I describe(d) the systems as, but as the one that want to support (fix back then) what was so broken in those around me — the traumas that came out in violence and big words/ feelings.
I didn’t learn til later on in life, that you can only be the energy that you wish to see upon others, not force something that isn’t there.
As I learned to soften my very closed off heart, as I learned to truly feel …
(a journey through moving to the country, away from all of the noise, through connecting my body and my cycle, through my breath, through the connection of plants and our emotions, through connection to myself and my desires)
…as I connected deeper, as I continue to follow the journey, as I soften into complete trust, I recognize the importance of structure, not in constriction like the world taught me to be, but in devotion to self and those around us.
The need for a system that meets in the middle, that weaves through what our natural energies are seeking. A balance of structure and flow.
One I know won’t exist in my lifetime, but I’ve learned to focus my attention on where it matters instead of the brokenness, the anger that was once so alive in me, not serving me any true purpose.
Some version of this meeting in the middle once existed across cultures, where the importance of what the masculine and feminine had to offer was honoured. Never in a power over dynamic, rather a weaving of what each energy brought to the table.
Energies (masculine and feminine) that live within all of us, but constricted by the guise of gender and how each should present themselves. How’s that for confusing?
In a society where we are no longer honouring the feminine side (although shes making her way back), the divine where we soften the pieces that keep us hard, in shame, and fighting against systems that are organizing the plays.
Systems that promote wounded versions, always broken or needing to be fixed, keeping us in states of mental health and deeper disconnection. A goal if you ask me.
Systems that think they know what is best for you, when they haven’t lived a day in your shoes.
Systems that regardless of how much we fight against them, the anger and hurt and frustrations that is so god damn warranted, emotions that have moved through me countless times on this topic, regardless of wanting to claw myself out of all of the systems… as my hard, hard heart has softened, I have realized that I am always going to be a part of them, in some way or another.
Unless I really move to the middle of nowhere, unattached to financial systems, health care systems, social systems + …which isn’t exactly in the cards or even really a want for me, personally at this point in my life. What I do want, is a whole other story. Worthy of her own post some day. A vision I have been calling in and embodying for years.
I know that I can’t do my part within them though, if I choose to register, it will simply to be for accessibility offers.
&I continued to soften.
To trust; something I have been moving through and fighting against for years… now finally on the other side… take a read of this brief article that was written about me. About breathing my way into trust, to not needing to know all the answers, only that we are here to lead and support from the heart. From the power within.
Did you know that women once protected the vibe and the feel of their villages way back when. Knowing the importance of nurturance, of the connection to our earth, sensuality, compassion, of community and beyond.
Spaces where all parts were once honoured; ripped away because of threat. Burned down to erase, and disconnect. But there has always been a piece of us within that remembers.
That hears the calling and feels the knowing in her body when the right person, the right leader, the one that speaks truth into her soul. Ideas that were maybe once forgotten because of the shield, the masks start to break apart.
The power is in the softening, in the feeling, in the flow in our breath.
