Cup o’ Tea

There was a time in my life where it mattered to me what others thought of who I was as a person, I needed to be approved of, to be heard, to be seen …for a long time, I received that result by dishonouring who I was. Who I am. '

&while today, sure, it still hurts the heart when Ive felt an energy shift with others … I no longer allow it to consume me.

Because I know who I am now. I know the truths that I speak. I know my heart. &sometimes, thats just not peoples cup of tea.

I’ve talked a lot about the hurts and where I lived in Mental Health, but never, deeply the journey that got me into a deeper state of Mental Wealth, where I find myself living today.

To the place that is no where near perfect… but is real and is messy and is life.

As I’ve mentioned before, I was a ‘typical’ closed off white woman; disconnected from her culture, from her truth, from her purpose (although there have been inklings of it woven through the life path) (eyooo a recipe for Mental Health).

You’ve likely heard the part where I witnessed an old friend making deep changes in her life. It was in thanks to her that I seen that different was possible. Because of her that I found a deep connection to our earth, to the emotional connection to plants and nature (check out this old post on some of that story …if you go through old highlight reels, you can actually see a lot of the journey too lol).

Anywho …

Somewhere in that time my third-eye was opening. Something hit just the right way in a course that I was taking for my bachelor’s degree and it was then that I realized that I had been lied to my entire life. I’m talking in terms of common narratives, and division and seperation and the lies and cycles that we are kept in and fed.

My world was rocked.

I was once what you could consider a bleeding heart liberal.

An activist for all of the things; speaking up against harms and injustices and which ever (and all) groups of people that were being treated unfairly. It was later that I realized that they group us to promote a deeper divide. They seperate us for a variety of reasons, when a truth of all truths, is that we are all connected.

We are not seperate (a blog on the division if you’re into it).

Today (well earlier in the year), I asked a professor not to refer to me as a bleeding heart liberal (many social workers are said to fall here and I once did too before I recognized the systems for what they are) … you see, shortly after my world was rocked about truths that were not actually truths, Covid came around.

I was fearful for a little while, naturally, but I was also paying attention and learning from people in the Holistic Health World and I began seeing underneath the layers of what was being sprouted through our manstream new channels.

The vaccinaton came out and everything in my body told me not to take it, this is one of the first times that I ever listened to her (in a situation such as this). Even still, questioning a little …maybe I would take it in a few months, but comethat few months, my body was still saying no, and so I didn’t.

The next few years are a bit of a blur, hurt and anger and so much fucking grief. With the duality of so much love, softening and confidence.

Family, who was once my entire world, wouldn’t even look me in the eye because of the choices that I trusted were the right ones. I was dis-invited from family dinner, watched my entire family get together for Christmas without me, called names by the masses, kicked out of school (just when I was learning to really take a chance on myself and knew I didnt want to go back to conventional work), did go back to conventional work and continued through more cycles of burnout from the field … all while figuring out how or what ways I was going to be of service to the world in a way that is outside of the system.

I found community during this time. Community I thought would forever be a part of my story because of the healing and connection that this space provided me, but as with all … everything and everybody enters your life for a reason. They were a bridge, I learned more of who I was, and what I would/ would no longer accept in my life, and for that, I am forever grateful.

As I mentioned .. hurt, anger, grief … eventually, realizing that I no longer wanted to live this way. Surrounding myself with expanders that showed me there was more; that being angry all the time, while sure, valid, because with the way that our world is, there is always something to be angry at, wasn’t doing me any good.

I started connecting to my heart, there is a blog post about some of the journey, here.

Amongst layers that are a continuous learning process and an embodiment of how I show up in my purpose and in service. In what I say, no matter whose boat it might rock a little.

Turning the pain into purpose.

Throughout my journey, I began softening. Breaking a part the constriction that lived deep in my cells. Making space for my heart to lead the way.

Recognizing the ancestral impact of hearts that have been closed off for so long, hearts that have been hurt and angry and constricted because of the way the world treated her and the rights she didn’t have and beyond.

My breath, of course being a massive catalyst in this, and still …

A heart that still doesn’t do well at trusting others; who doesn’t always open up or make eye contact when it comes to real life, outside of my close circle… being betrayed by the people who are supposed to be there no matter what, can do that to a girl… that and losing community overnight after sticking up for yourself and others.

But alas, not an easy space to make new connections from (that and having against the narrative views), something that is kind of pretty important as you are becoming an entrepeneur (we take the long way around here), a journey that is probably a whole other blog.

This one, just some of the deeper learning that I have done to get me here.

An advocate, but not in the angry ways anymore. Rather, in ways that come from the soul and deep from my roots. Ways that can challenge and rupture, but that in the end, will soften.

🌹Cait Lane

TOOLS for allowing opinions of others no longer consume us

Big inhale in as you raise your arms above your head, exhale with a loud sigh as you allow your upper body to collape/ fold over (repeat min. 3x)
Put the Bergamot Queen Playlist on shuffle
Trust that the rhythm of the song is what you need right now
Console (the oil) over your heart and Forgive (oil) breathed in deeply
Reflect: Why is it that I need approval or need to be liked by others?
🌹How does their opinion of me affect my values/ goals?
🌹Are my intentions/ actions/ how I move about the world coming from a place of heart or anger?

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